TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, positive, let's have another location in which American Adult men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer you Everybody a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents revealed on http://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It really is that he need to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You already know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Features


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from http://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


To the http://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have change-down company."


A further submit Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with http://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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